I cant lie to myself. Deep down, I miss him. I love you.

Its hurt. really hurt. It cut me deep inside. Im sorry for being oversensitive. But you the one who told me to share my feelin. And when i show my feeling, you dont like it. Yes, you are not just someone who i only share my happiness with. I thought i can share evrything with you. But you not. You want to know my sadness and happiness, but you dont want to comfort me when i get angry. You dont want to know why. I cried out hard last nite, because your words cut and hurt deep inside.

We dont have to share.

Starting from now on i will hide my sadness, i will ignore any cuts in my heart. I will hide everything negative from you. We should just laugh and laugh and happy. I will ignore my feelings for you. For you. Ignore mine.

Seriously, it really hurting me. Really really hurt deep inside. Its hurt that will make me cry every time i think about his words last nite. And when i have to ignore the cuts in my hearts. Ignore the pain.

I don't feel anything anymore. All i feel now is pain.

Its hurt..

When someone you thought who can be a person that you share everything with turn to be someone who cant. Someone who don't understand how much you love doing things you love. Who don't proud with what you proud with.

When the person got angry with you when you start to argue with him because you are feeling down by his words.

When you try to show how you feel when he said something that hurt you, even a bit but he get annoyed by your action. He once told you to share what you feel, tell him what, how you feel but when you show it, and telling you the reason for being moody he don't like it.

Do you really want to know my feeling? Then, why you act like this? Why you get angry with me? I know, I am always be an oversensitive person, and hurt you by acting moody to you. Do you realize the reason for me to be moody? It is because of your words..Even it not purposely said to hurt me, but it cuts me. Im sorry for taking your words so much more than its means. Maybe i just weak, but it hurts me.

We had some fight yesterday. Its because of i got hurt by his words. He asked me, "whats on your mind? Do you think I ever have any intention to hurt your feeling? Why you have to misunderstood what I am saying?" Again, maybe im weak. I told him.." I dont know, its that what i felt, its just in some issues i can be really really oversensitive, Im sorry for being oversensitive, and i hurt you" I apologize to him because i know that i hurt him by misunderstanding his words. And at the same time, I ignore how hurt my feelings are when he dont want to know why i be such sensitive on the issue. What happened to me that made me such sensitive..he never ask. Or what i had been through that had turned me to be such sensitive. I know i hurt him, but didnt he realize that I was hurt too? I wont easily get moody if he didnt say anything that cut me. I wont get moody if i am not hurt. I tried to show him what i feel, show him that i got hurt by his words that he didnt even mean it. So next time he will watch what he gonna say to me. But, he did not get it. He told me that i always being such sensitive. And he getting tired with our conversation where we always fight.

I am feeling very sad. He dont know what I'd been through in my life. What I'd been witnessed in my life. Along the conversation, i keep apologizing to him. I dont want to fight anymore. I ignore how hurt i was and said sorry again and again. But he keep saying everything he had feel and think about me all these time, all that he had keep for long. He didnt show any sign to stop, and i give up from apologizing and said" ok, just tell me everything that you been keeping, tell me" I was hurt so deep that night. He told me evrything. He said about one of my annoying attitude for him which i like to argue,yes i was a debater, I really love to argue on an issue, he said if you want to have an argument go find someone else. Do you know how hurts i was at the moment? When your interest, something that your proud with, was teased like that. I never argue with you about other things. And i never purposely start a conversation in order to have an argument. And you said like that? seriously it cut me.

I really give up on fighting so i just agree with everything he told me. I dont have to back up myself because it will hurt him. I choose to ignore my feeling to please him. Something i never do before. Me, a person who will always at least backup myself when i am accused with something.

Along the conversation,(oh, we had a conversation through chatroom) i cried. Because its really hurt me.

Butterball.

I am sure i got many things playing in my head.

These few days and weeks Im not writing here, sure i got plenty to write right now. Just get a bit busy with exams before, some college problems and with my other blogs. Its about three weeks of my semester break and one week left before I have to back to college for the first semester of my second year.

Hello there..ive been missing my other self Emily. I sound a bit crazy right? My alter ego, Emily.

Let tell us about yourself, please.

Hi there, I will only appear when i am forced to show myself out. I am quite sure no one really know the other me. When she got depressed and got no where to tell her heart out, I will appear to help here, to give her some relief. Or Anytime, when she got som

ething to share but no one to hear. I will appear.

I am always wearing a same colour of dress. A red one. Or s

ometimes a anything dark. Because that is what her feelin

gs tell me. I wearing black legging or s

ometimes long black socks. Wearing oxford shoes with heels or without. Long dark brown hair with fringe. I am exist.

And let we have some read on a true story, told by a friend to me, come, come closer..let me tell you....

"I get depressed lately.

And what i about to tell you is something that i'd been keeping for a very long time.

Have you ever facing a group of people who want to have some joke with you and jokes turn to making fun of you and finally its something that hurting you. In easy words, when people make fun of you. I dont know, I am sure i am not fat. I just a bit chubby. But, after i get in to my new college here, I make new friends

both girls and boys whom most of them are skinny, with great body figure.

Is it wrong to be a bit chubbier than them? Why my friends before this never tease me like they did? Dont they know there are some limitation in communication. Dont they learnt how to socialize properly. Where a win-win conversation can be

made?

Its hard to admit this. But deep inside i hate them for being

so rude to me. Maybe we had fun time before, but I cant lie to myself how much i hate them hurting me by teasing me fat just beca

use i am not as skinny as them. Last night, one of them post a comment on my picture, a picture i thought that i look just fine, he commented"f..t"..Seriously, i lost my confidence on my own

self. I didnt approve the comment.

They always tease me when we

hang out at any restaurant. "Are you seriously just eating that, why dont you order some more?" When i order something similar like them i still get teased for eati

ng a lot. Just because i am chubbier, is it wrong to eat or not eat. Maybe there are some people that also been called "big eater". But when the person you called like that is someone who is obviously different from them in term of body size, its really hurt. Its not im not accepting the reality, but i did ask some people is i really considered as fat? All the answer i got are, no, you just a bit fleshy.

My college got some problem lately, and most of them are moving. Thank God, I've been grateful for that. I dont need you guys at all.I dont need you guys if you just exist to hurt me. I can have fun with other people who know how to be a good friend. A real good friend.

Why you guys still cant think the reason why I did not come with you guys to hang out lately? Because i dont having any fun with you guys anymore. Why should i waste my time, my energy, my money on something

i dont like?

Yes, i said i gonna miss you guys after this, what a liar. I think i will m

iss you guys a bit, but i being relief more than being sad. Because no one gonna tease me anymore. I need a true friend, which I already have, my old frien

ds who really know how to be a friend. I dont need a new friend just to hurt me."Look? Does her look fat? This a real picture of her,without any editing.

Now, do you understand why she got real mad and sad when she been teasing fat, just because she is not as skinny as a model?

It make sense

hello there..good morning.
today gonna stay at my bf's rent house before he go back to his house for a week! last week i cant stand being apart from him for three days..and now 1 week? and it will come the next..our semester break..1 month?
God, please keep me strong.


I went through some of my friend's blogs. My old lost cantact friends that i just can know their updates through their blog. Actually i dont really have interest to contact them as i dont really want them to know about my changes, my 'rapid changes'. I became sick of their writing, too much of cursing. Im sorry for saying this. I know you guys got rights to write whatever you like. but with those cursing words, its really making me sick. I can stand for maybe one or two..or some but at 'necessary' parts (i curse too) but not like the entire of the writing. It seems like the whole writing is using the cursing words. and when you are a girl..it make it WORST.

I chat with my guy friends before and most of them hate to hear girl cursing. Yeah, i dont really care what they said. but it make sense. Just imagine a girl talking about two minutes and we can hear more then 8 words of cursing. Its annoying for anyone to do that and disgusting for a girl. i cursed too before. not so frequent bu i did. After some of my friends advised me to not cursing too much, i do. I still curse but not much. Not like at every end of sentence we have to put the cursing word. Duh~ seriously, im sick with such people, more precisely..with such girls.

Mabe some of you not agree with this, but common, its my thoughts. Anyway, its make sense right?

I am a loyal reader of some blogs. Some very interesting blogs. Using a good language to describe their life. Very attracting words and way in delivering their thoughts. I love such writing. Its inspiring and...no cursing.

Art of Wondering

hello there..

I woke up early yesterday. haha. As i had not finish reading my notes for my test in the morning. after about half an hour i done reading, im not even memorizing, i just understanding it. I guess its enough. yeah.but i can answer the test. just i dont really confident that my answers will satisfy my lecturer..grr~haha. The subject is very new to me. At least i felt a bit lighter after the test. and i got another midterm test next week for Psychology..hee..im nervous! i aiming for 4 flat this semester as i only take two subjects and both not involving any calculation. God~ i just wish my entire course subjects are not involving calculation as I am very sucks in numbers.

i Love psychology. This subject had really stole my heart.hee. but, still cant stop me from sleeping at the classes.haha..i already read the text before entering the class. Listen to the lecturer repeating the things i already know is making me sleepy .hehe. We got no quizzes for course mark, all replaced by 3 movie assignment..let me do some highlight here..MOVIE assignment. Isn't that fun??!Watch the movies and answer the questions given??maybe i not answering correctly but at least i have fun with it. And doing things with interest always help we understand and memorize more!

and i have another new interest ..which is Philosophy..i borrowed a text book from the library-Philosophy, Introduction to the Art of Wondering. and have some reading on it on my free time. yes, it make me feel good. reading it a little bit making me understand some of the action i or other people taking in life. why some things that we dont even understand how can happen. its kind a surprise to know that sometime we actually dont even undertsand why we doing things that we doing. Its a fun reading~both psychology and Philosophy.

it makes me feel good~

All I need is to be with you.

I am missing my bf.
We used to be very very close. and its kinda hard to be apart from him even for a while.
He went back to his hometown. Only for three days days. but its enough to make me feel terrible.

I had been in many relationships before, but with him, its not the same.
One of my friend said, "you had found your Mr. Right, do you?" Yes, I do.

He is what you look for in a guy.

I love you.